I feel anxious right now. Having spent a week at a place where I really felt like home and then coming back to the same old reality of a dreadful existence – sometimes it gets intense! No, I am not existential, I used to be but with courage and a little bit of optimism I pulled myself out of it.
My legs shake all the time, sometimes when I am anxious, it turns violent – out of control, but this is how I have always been. I have accepted this part of me; this delusional, disrespectful, devotional dilemma called me.
I miss that place, the vibe, the subtle sun and the feeble burn it carries with it – absolute bliss. Waking up in the morning and basking all through the afternoon without a single worry to right here, where, this morning, I woke up to the dreadful sounds of construction. Mountains are a real joy.
When I really think about it, I don’t think I actually miss the place but I think I miss who I become. It happens with me all the time, maybe I am head over heels for myself, maybe I love myself a little too much. Isn’t that the goal though? But where do I draw the line between being a truthful selfless lover and a reckless narcissist? Maybe I don’t need to.
Conventions are nonsense and I don’t want anything about boundaries and boxes.
Looking at the keyboard, while listening to a soothing but heavy indie record I can’t stop thinking about how I feel, how the air smells, what is entering my ears and everything around me. Although a little anxious, I feel whole. I feel present in the moment. And I can’t think of a better situation to over-think and over-analyse what I am feeling.
Whatever the case be, I conclude to accepting things as they are. When we try to control things and events, and it doesn’t go our way, we are bound to feel disappointed, worse – heartbroken. Again, conventions!
I am not inferring to just let it all go and leave it to the fate, but that planning and expectations are important. Having realistic goals is critical – one of the few forms to feel human and connected. But what turns it sour is an emotional bias.
The greatest lesson we ever learn is how to accept things as they come and open our hearts to all emotions, feelings regardless of where they stand on our fictional scale of emotions.
My legs shaking, my soul full of anxiety, my nervous fingers typing words, the flow of my thoughts; me here – right now – breathing, existing, accepting things as they are, looking forward into my obscure future, making plans, fantasising women, people, places, maybe that is who we all actually are – machines that fantasise.
That is okay I guess. All we need to ever do is learn how to accept.